It’s weird to start this up again. I haven’t done this for quite some time but I can’t help it. I can’t help that I’m still not over you. Nor I don’t think I will ever be.
I tried to shake it off,
But I couldn’t.
He reminds me of you.
And maybe that’s why I like him so much.
So lately I’ve been thinking about you. And all my feelings rushed back. Because I truly liked you so much. So much. And of course whenever I get something or someone I’ve wanted for so long(which rarely happens), I tend to walk away from it, it’s almost like I get bored.. But I’m not. It’s just what I do. I take advantage that I got it or him. And so when I finally almost got you, and you finally spoke to me, I took advantage of it, and you slipped right through my fingers. You slipped away. And how could you… How could you walk away… I wanted you so much. You were and still are my perfect guy. I can’t believe how much time has passed since we last talked. I still have our conversation saved yet I can’t seem to go back and read it, cus it’ll only pain me more. But deleting it, I just can’t get myself to, because then it never happened, and I need it to. And no matter how much distance is between us, no matter if we never even see each other, no matter how much time has passed, I’ll always think about you from time to time. Because I know what I felt about you was real… And if only things could’ve worked out… I just know.. We could’ve made it work. And even though you’ve got a high status.. Even though you’re probably so over me, with your lifestyle, I still have this tiniest ounce of hope that I come across your mind from time to time. And that I only bring a good memory. And that the only shame you feel, is cus you didn’t keep trying. That you wonder what could’ve been. Would fate ever be so kind? I guess if this were a story, we’d fall under tragedy.
I don’t wanna be just another fan of Perks of Being a Wallflower, and even though I have not read the book, I can’t shake off the beautiful quotes Stephen Chbosky has shared with us. Especially because as I read through them, I felt more connected to Charlie and all the different characters in the movie. I would read it someday but I have this thing where I can’t seem to read books if I have watched the movie first. But I will forever repeatedly read the beautiful quotes from the book. Especially today, I felt myself completely breaking. Being around people does that to me. Being around people can either make me feel like the happiest person alive or it makes me oh so miserable. Sometimes both. Today was the former. But this time it was different, today, I felt like reality just smacked me across my face. Yelling at me. It had so much to do with how I felt others viewed me. I may say I don’t care what people think, but the truth is I do, so damn much. I can’t help it. I am always feeling like I am on the outside looking in. The tunnel scene popped up in my head today and for some reason, I wanted to be Charlie in that car. I wanted to feel that sort of “high.” I actually wished I was in that car. I wanted to feel how Sam felt in the back of the pick up truck, the wind rushing through her hair. I wanted to feel as if life were real, that even though it’s hard, there was this moment right now, that was all mine. It’s been a while since I watched that film, so I watched it again on YouTube, and it was exactly how I remembered it. The Tunnel Scene. So perfect. Charlie says, “I feel infinite.” I want that. I think I’ve felt it before. But I wanted it tonight more than ever. As I read more of Chbosky’s quotes from the book, I instantly teared up. Because everything I felt at that moment, was all there. It was so well thought and written. It’s like someone grabbed a piece out of my mind. So now I’m here, writing on my tumblr, which I haven’t done in over a year I think, to express this incredible connection I felt. As I keep hitting the repeat button to David Bowie’s Heroes aka “The Tunnel Song” I’m imagining that kind of natural high no drug can ever give you, and trying to clear away the bad thoughts in my mind. Because after all, like Charlie said, “life doesn’t stop for anybody”, so I guess all I can do is try to keep up with it.
“I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”
couldn’t find the reblog button so i had to repost.. omg I’m done. This is making me weak..